The pain of loving Him Phan
by alltimelaurena
Summary: This is a danisnotonfire and amazingphil fanfic : Rated M for later chapters. Contains self harm so if you don't like don't read. Hope you like it!
1. Chapter 1

**This is just a taster to see what people think about the idea, if people like it I will continue with this story, Now working on the next chapter and it should be up soon. For those of you I just seriously depressed. Sorry! Also this is the first story I've ever actually posted as I usually lose my nerve so go easy on me ^.^ - L**

**Phil's POV**

I could hear them next door; the thin wall separating our rooms was never enough to keep the noises out. I knew as soon as I heard the front door open he had brought her back, I wanted to get out of here away from it all but I couldn't if they saw or heard me leaving he would know something was wrong. I'd walked to my window and contemplated jumping, but I knew I was just being stupid. So instead I was huddled in the corner of my room hugging Totoro to me while rocking. I knew how pathetic I was being but I just couldn't handle it anymore I knew the moment that girl, jess I think she had said her name was, walked up to us in that bar and started flirting with Dan that they would leave together. That's why I left the bar making excuses about being tired while she hung all over him going on about how hot he looked in his last video. I knew he looked hot he always look hot because he is the most beautiful person in the world. Dan put up a fight when I tried to leave but then jess got jealous that no one was paying attention to her and whispered something in his ear momentarily distracting him, in which I made a run for it.

Remembering all this, the slimy smile that covered her face and the fact I could now hear her loudly sucking him off was to much for me to take I exploded with all the emotion I had been holding in for years screaming into Totoro, I threw myself up from the floor and across my room grabbing something out of my draw. Before I really had time to think, emotion still pounding through my body a cold hard object sliced through the skin on my arm. I looked down at it mesmerised as the blood slowly began to come to the surface. I felt numb there was no pain, I felt in control of my feelings for the first time in years. He couldn't cause me pain in this very moment only I could control what I felt. I slowly pushed down and dragged the blade along my arm again, slightly harder. Again the blood slowly bubbled to the surface. I wiped it all away and looked down again. All the pain that had momentarily disappeared was coming back I needed to do it again but a thought had popped into my head that I couldn't quite shake what would Dan say? He would see the marks, would not stop bothering me un till I told him. Slowly I lifted up my shirt and pulled it over my head. I rested back against the wall. I could hear noises drifting through the wall again so I squeezed my eyes shut while humming to myself. I couldn't let myself hear what was going on in the next room or it would all feel real again. I just wanted it to disappear.

Slowly I lowered the blade to my tummy and dragged it across, I did it again and again in an almost frenzy. I then placed the blade down underneath my bed and rested my head again the wall closing my eyes. Peace, that's what I felt complete peace even for those few seconds, they were worth it. My wrist where the first two cuts were was starting to ache now. It isn't a bad pain its almost reassuring it lets you know your still alive. I heard a long drawn out creak obviously coming from a door opening and slowly opened my eyes, only to see him standing in the doorway. His hair slightly dishevelled, shirtless only wearing his sonic boxers and white socks. He just looked at me frozen to the spot with that innocent, confused look of helplessness on his face that only Dan can do.

I took a deep breath and said "I'm fine Dan honestly just go to bed." I took this moment to try and stand up while speaking to close the door, but it seemed this action caused him to break out of his shock induced statue and rush into the room and push me down on to my bed. He then ran out and back into my room in a matter of seconds before I had time to register what was happening.

He sat down on the bed next to me pushing me to lie down; all manner of thoughts crossed my mind even though I know this is not the time to have them. I decide to just close my eyes and wait for him to start lecturing me.

"Phil, I'm not going to ask you why you did it or have a go at you and tell you not to do it, or any of that patronising stuff. I just want you to know I'm worried about you, you know I'm always here when you decide to talk about what's bothering you and I love you" at that moment he lent forward and pulled me into a hug, being careful not to put pressure on my wounds. I didn't care though I pulled him closer he bear chest flat against mine, smearing blood all over his chest. He slowly began to pull away from the hug, we had been frozen in that moment just holding each other while I held back my sobs for over 5 minutes. He sat back on his leg and just looked directly into my eyes then down my body. "I think we should get you cleaned up, I'm a little worried about the amount of blood there seems to be." "There isn't that much." I said as I looked down realising just how much there was piled up in blobs on my stomach some of it had also run down my stomach and down my legs leaving lovely little crimson lines down my body and colourful splatter marks all over my carpet. Dan began to wipe at my tummy with a damp flannel I hadn't noticed he had got. He must of retrieved it when he ran out the room. I winced a little at the contact on the open wound so he stopped what he was doing and moved to the two slightly older, shallower cuts on my arm. He studied my arm with such intensity that I started to feel uncomfortable again. He looked up in to my eyes and said, "I know I said I wouldn't ask but why?" I looked away knowing if I looked into his eyes for to long I would be unable to hold it all in anymore. He continued his questioning, "I just want you to know that I'm always there for you. I will never judge you and I can't help but feel I have something to do with this. I don't know how. But I just want to make it all better Phil!" I just looked away again minutes passed and he moved to cleaning the blood off that had smeared to my chest in our hug. I looked back at him and said. "She left already? Jess? was that her name? I didn't hear her leave" He stopped what he was doing and looked up. Frowning slightly "Yes I asked her to leave, I wasn't feeling it, I was only using her to try and get my feelings for someone else out of my head for a while but it wasn't working and it all just felt really bad." I looked away again trying to fight back the tears hundreds of things flying through my mind he loves someone else! He will never love me! Dan placed his hand under my chin and pulled my head back to face him and lightly pecked me on the lips. It was nothing we hadn't done before, but this time it felt different. I looked back into his eyes as he pulled back already back in the sitting position. "So the flannel stings to much huh? That's try this" slowly he lent down and with the smallest of movements stuck his tongue out and flicked it across one of my cuts. I shivered for more than one reason it felt absolutely amazing. He pulled back immediately thinking he had hurt me and started apologizing. "Shit! Phil I'm so sorry I…" Not thinking for a moment I let my love for him consume me and followed it blindly. I sat up and pressed my lips to his, rubbing my tongue ever so slightly against his lip begging for entrance. Slowly I felt his mouth open and our tongues meet...


	2. Chapter 2

_ A/N Thank you guys for all the amazing reviews! So many of you said some lovely things and it just *Heart explodes* means the world to me :3 I'm so sorry it's taken me so long to post another chapter, I got stuck on how to continue it and nothing I wrote seemed good enough. I'm still not completly happy with it but I didn't want to keep you guys waiting any longer. Also I lost my Beta so i'm sorry if it's crap. Anyway hope you all like it and I give rainbow cookies to all of you amazing people 3 - L_

We battle for dominance for a second but I give in loving the feel of him controlling me. His mouth is everything I'd always dreamed it would be, he really was an amazing kisser. Suddenly he seems to lose his control pushing me flatter on to the bed and swinging his leg over my waist so that he's straddling me. Dan pushes my hands high above my head and pins them down so I can't touch him. I can feel he's hard through his flimsy boxers from where he's sat on top of me. All the emotions he's causing me to feel in this moment are indescribable, I can't believe he want me, Me! After a few more minutes of kissing I don't think I can take much more as he starts wildly grinding down on to me. I moan out in pleasure and Dan stops, pulling back suddenly. I moan again out of annoyance as he says "What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Oh god I hurt your cuts didn't I?"

I blink at him confused for a few seconds before realisation hits me. I smile and answer him with love clearly heard in my tone "No dumbo, I was moaning in pleasure. I can't even feel any pain from them any more."

He looks at me not convinced, Grabs my hand and says "Well I'm going to bandage you up even if they aren't hurting anymore, not that I believe they're not. Can't have my Phil in pain can we!"

"Your phil!" I say in surprise.

"Yes mine, I'm not letting you go now. Not for anything" he smiles and kisses my hand as he leads me out the room and towards the kitchen. His Phil I like the sound of that. I still can't believe he's even interested in me a little bit. I'm going to have to talk to him about it, I know I am but I'm scared. What if he doesn't feel the same way I do and this is just a bit of fun, but he did call me his. I know we will have to talk but I just want to enjoy being with him for a while in case that talk doesn't end the way I want.

"Sit up there" he says pointing to the breakfast bar as he riffles through the cupboard looking for the first aid kit.

I slowly walk over to the counter and pull myself up. I start swinging my legs as I'm sitting there waiting for him to finish looking for the first aid kit. I've never been the sort of person who can sit still, I'm constantly fidgeting. Dan finds it and turns back round to me, he looks at me for a minute and smiles shaking his head.

"What?" I ask unable to not smile back at him

"Nothing, you just make me laugh sometimes" he replies smiling at me even more and taking the few small steps over to me.

He places the box on the counter and opens it. Taking out an antiseptic wipe, a role of bandage, some soft sterile dressings and the tape to fix it. He opens the wipe and starts cleaning the cuts on my tummy. It stings like a B**** and I'm struggling not to make any noise but I don't want Dan to know how much it hurts. He finishes cleaning them and looks up at me, I just smile back and he continues working on me. He takes the dressings places them over the big cuts and fixes them with a little bit of tape. He repeats it until all of the cuts are covered then takes the role of bandage and raps in around my waist cutting it off and securing it in place.

"Do I really need that?" I ask

"Yes! Just as a precaution, I don't want you hurting even more than you have to." He pauses, steps back to look at his handy work and says

"There we go all done!"

"Thank you for looking after me, I don't know what I'd do without you"

"Well luckily you don't have to think about that"

Dan smiles at me moving back towards the counter I'm still sitting on placing himself in between my legs. He places his arms around me hugging me gently, like he's trying not to break me. He moves lips next to my ear and says

"Are you tired do you want to go to sleep now? Or we can watch Buffy if you want, the musical episode?"

I let out a little laugh "Can we watch Buffy? I mean we don't have to but 'Once More With Feeling' always makes me happy"

He unwraps his arms from around me and I shiver the cold air hitting my shirtless body. He places his hand on top of mine and links our fingers together, pulling me down off the counter.

"Of course we can, as long as you don't decide to leave me for Sarah Michelle Gellar." He winks at me. He winks all the time but this just seems different

"Well I can't make any promises, If she walked through our door right now I might have to" He taped me playfully on the nose, he had led me to his room.

"Lay down and I'll go get the DVD"

He let go of my hand and ran from the room. I sat down on the edge of his bed. It doesn't feel right to just curl up on his bed as if it is my own.

He ran back into the room carrying the DVD and placed it into his Mac for us to watch. He set it all up, turned around and walked over to me.

"You can lay down you know, my beds not going to eat you, well it might but that's a whole other story. Are you sure you're alright? You're still acting a little strange." He reached out and turned my face to look at him. I could feel his eyes searching my face looking for some sort of answer.

"I'm perfect" I replied smiling at him.

He shuffles back, pulling the covers down and back up over him getting comfortable. He reaches for my hand and gently pulls my hand signalling for me to join him. I lay down next to him on the pillow and he pulls the cover up around us both. He then moves his body slightly under me and puts his arm around my shoulders so I can lean on him. I sigh I con contentment; this is what I've wanted for years. He looks down at me and says

"Comfortable?"

"Extremely. You'd make a brilliant bed you know"

He laughs "Maybe I should go into that line of work, give up making videos?"

"Hmm I'd certainly buy you"

"Good. Because I love you"

I stop breathing, did he just say that. I can hear my blood pounding in my ears. I slowly look back up at him, slightly worried he's going to laugh at me and it's all been a joke. He's just looking at me with a smile on his face and a trace of worry. I smile back whisper

"I love you" and lean up and kiss him.


End file.
